A Recipe for Fancy Goose, A Main Course – Solution #7

Posted on March 28, 2014


Step One – Prepare the Goose

This will require some courage.

Preparing any living creature, much less a Goose, is difficult and compares to loving or even mildly enjoying the company of things that breath or burp or talk incessantly about desires and fears and needs and television.

Remember to make eye contact with the Goose. Shake hands. Be firm but not so firm that you bruise any of the soft flesh. Make a bird sound to put the Goose at ease. But do not give the Goose any false hope. This is happening, you should say. Goose, you should say, this is happening.

Tell the Goose it has lived a meaningful life, even if it hasn’t.  Tell the Goose its life was full of meaning, even if the Goose has no children and spent all of its time floating in a pond, wasting any potential it may have had, only shitting and eating and making bird noises.

What we really mean is that you should feel free to tell wonderful lies. A good lie is a delicious way to avoid pointless pain and any drama associated with the preparation of the Goose.

If the Goose does not take the news well, offer the Goose a cigar. If the Goose takes the news well, offer the Goose a cigarette.  This will be appreciated by the Goose and also create a smoky aftertaste as the Goose is later baked.

You are the Chef. Show the Goose dignity. Never let someone else prepare the Goose.

But at the end of the day, if you can’t do it you can’t do it. Don’t beat yourself up.

Step Two – Give the Goose a Bonnet

According to the Fall issue of Fancy Goose Magazine, bonnets are in. Should your Goose happen to be nervous or an emotional wreck, the bonnet may serve as a kind consolation prize.

There should be a mirror nearby.

Step Three – Execution

Let us assume that you will fail to act with dignity or courage in step one. Let us assume that ninety percent of the population avoids these difficult situations. Let us assume the worst.

To make matters more complicated, the damn Goose is wearing a bonnet now and looking at itself in the mirror, fancy, fancy, fancy. The Goose is shaking its wings, making bird noises, and sticking its tongue out at itself between sucking on the cigar or cigarette.

The Goose is definitely cute now.

That is okay. We can and often do outsource uncomfortable things.

You can always pay feral children to execute the Goose. If you cannot find feral children, use regular children. Children like to try morbid things.

After you negotiate terms with the children, tell the Goose you will see it later.

At this point you should go for a walk.

Step Four – Go for a Walk

The best place to go for a walk is an apple orchard.

You will want to collect several apples. Ensure they are ripe and not full of worms. If you acted like a coward you will be tempted to think that you deserve rotten fruit.

Don’t think like that.

You will not feel this way in the morning. Learning to forgive yourself is an art. You will learn to forget the bad things you do, learn to just forget they ever happened.

While you are in the orchard, and if it makes you feel better, say some kind things about the Goose. Maybe say that the Goose was a nice guy, even if the Goose wasn’t a nice guy. In fact most geese aren’t that nice at all. Still, you can say all of these nice things about the Goose. This will make you feel better. That is what good lies are for. Maybe even bad lies.