A Metaphor for Wanting More Ice Cream In My Life – Solution #3

Posted on January 12, 2014


The Doctor said, have you been having troubles lately? You know, with feeling feelings? Or maybe finding a genuine connection with another human being? Maybe numbness in the toes and fingers? Have you been reading poetry while going to the bathroom and not understanding a god damn line of it?

I don’t think so, I said. Why? What did the results show?

The Doctor pulled out the results and spread them along his desk. He pointed straight to the chest, right where my heart sat. Your heart is dying, the Doctor said.

I said, WHAT? I’m dying?

No, said the Doctor. Everything else is fine. It’s just your heart.  We’re going to need to remove it. If we don’t its going to rot and you’ll get worms in your belly and smell just awful. Terrible. Don’t worry, we’ll fill the hole with something else. Maybe gold or an old carburetor or a tiny, little person who is ill content at being called a tiny, little person.

I don’t understand, I said. This sounds ridiculous. Where did you go to medical school? I want a second opinion.

It will feel cold at first, the Doctor said. But over time you’ll learn to live with it. You’re going to need to get good at faking things. You know, like feelings or deep thoughts or really funny jokes.  Do you have a girlfriend? You’ll need to fake love too. Maybe even that long sigh people give when they see how much of their paycheck goes to something silly like retirement or when they have to stand in a long line at check out. Or like that time you thought that one girl was into you but then she went to a dance with another boy. Fuckers.  High school. Who needs it? Nevermind. I’m not bitter.

I don’t like this, I said.

Good, the Doctor said. Just like that. Fake it just like that! My god! I almost believed it!

I’m leaving, I said.

NURSES, the Doctor yelled.  Eight nurses entered the room. They had equipment like pills and needles and smiles and scalpels. I wanted to feel fear but I couldn’t. I hadn’t been feeling anything lately. I tried to fake it, but it came out pathetic. I said, no. Please no. And then they were there, fixing me.

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Posted in: Solutions