How I Lost My Practice Wife – Near Escapes #54

Posted on September 24, 2013

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I got married last night.  I got really confused and at some point I got married. In the morning, I woke up in our honeymoon suite and found my new wife weeping.  We had only known each other for a day, so I had never seen her cry before. It was awkward.

Jill, I said, why are you crying?

She told me her name wasn’t Jill but was actually Mary.

Mary, I said, why are you crying?

It’s horrible, she said. I think you’re a nice guy, but its horrible.  You’re a monster or something. Something isn’t right with you! Last night at the reception you drank so much wine.

I’m sorry, I said. I didn’t mean to. I just love wine.

No, she said. I don’t care how much wine you drink. What I care about is that you turned into another person after two bottles! You turned into Brad.

It was true. It was a personal problem of mine. I turned into someone completely different after too much to drink.  I had never met him but I had heard stories and seen pictures.

Oh. I’m sorry, I said. I forgot to tell you about him.

It was a terrible surprise, she said.

Well, I said, did he do anything bad? A lot of people actually enjoy his company. Some people even babysit him from time to time.

YES, she said. Yes he did do bad things, Tom!

I told her that my name wasn’t Tom. It was Charlie.

YES, she said. Yes he did, Charlie! He set the curtains on fire. He threw plates at the guests. He peed in the corner. He wrote HELP all over the bathroom walls. It was terrible.

Is there anything we can do to work this out, I said.

No, she said. I can’t be married to someone like you.  I’m sorry. Maybe we should have dated longer. Maybe a year or three. Maybe long enough to find out that you turn into someone else when you drink.

Wait, she said. Wait just a minute. Maybe you could give up drinking, she said.  Would you do that for me?

And that is how I lost my practice wife.

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