Gluten – Tiny Fear #456666666666

Posted on December 24, 2012


I was denied enrollment into ‘Artisan Pastries 101’ because of my gluten allergy. This is discrimination, I said.

The Dean was not sympathetic. The Dean asked, why would a person who can’t eat pastries want to bake pastries?

He had me there.

The real reason was that I had once fallen in love with a pastry chef at a bar. I liked the idea of having a person who could bake apple strudel pastries or maybe make pop tarts from scratch. There was a WOW factor that I would have with my friends. I would be admired for having captured such a person. It was a status thing.

Unfortunately I came on too strong. I asked her to marry me and she said no, that she didn’t really know me and that she had so much to accomplish in the pastry world. I told her that it was fine and that I didn’t really want to get married at that point in my life anyway. She threw her drink in my face and stormed off.

I’m here to find a trophy wife, I told the Dean. Again, he was not sympathetic. Go eat some rice crackers you gluten-free freak, he said.

I signed up for Introduction to Accounting and Bowling for Beginners. That is how I spent the semester. I ate so many boxes of rice crackers and so many pounds of lunch meat. There were few pleasures in the world. I couldn’t even have beer. Soon I gave up on living.