Regarding Monsters – Little Rule #50

Posted on January 17, 2012


There are only two kinds of monsters.  Please tell your children.

The first kind of monster is difficult to describe due to its shapeless nature. Often times this monster lives in a locker or under the bed or in a kiddie pool and is a dark blob of flesh and tentacles and nothingness. Somewhere in the blanket of nothingness is a set of vicious teeth and a bad sense of humor. This sort of monster is responsible for most bad standup comedy and also all of those missing cats.

The second kind of monster is very much like a man but is actually a wolf man or wolf woman. That is not to say that they look like werewolves (which do not exist because the rule state only two types of monster exist), but rather they look just like us and fit in with society except for an occasional growl or whimper. You may be married to one right now, or at least “hooking up” with one. These wolf men and women are actually intraspecies predators and pose the same danger as a serial monogamist or an open flame near a gasoline pump. Mostly they love meat and terror, but sometimes they enjoy a good matinee.

Yes, Professor, but how do we kill the monsters, you may be begging to know. The simple truth is that only fire can kill a monster. This is why monsters do not smoke cigars and tend to avoid volcanoes and even more so, long romances.

The rule states that there are only two kinds of monsters but in all truth there may be a third kind of monster, for example the successful politician or maybe a vegan, but enough research has not been completed.  Pity you if the third kind of monster takes you by surprise, perhaps during a presidential primary or even during a bubble bath with soap made from animal fat or teeth.