The Professor of Monsters #12

Posted on November 20, 2011


I was going to be the last student of the Professor of Monsters. Because he was 135 years old, he was about to die. I’ve explored a lot of caves and been under a lot of beds, he muttered. I did some amazing things, but you know what? I’ve never had a really good piece of Key Lime Pie. There was never any time.

I took the Professor of Monsters to a 24 hour diner. They had the best key lime pie in town. The chef only knew how to make Key Lime Pie. Everything else was terrible. Delicious, the Professor of Monsters said. You know what else I’ve never done? I’ve never fallen in love.

I took the Professor of Monsters to the Woman store and we found him a woman and he fell in love with her and it was a charming relationship. The only challenge was fitting the relationship into such a small amount of time. Still, the Professor of Monsters seemed pleased and when the relationship ended he was ready to return home.

We went back to the Professor of Monsters study. He told me about dinosaurs, goblins, and beasts with sixteen eyes. With great detail he explained the digestive system of the Chupacabra and spoke about the smoking habit of the Boogey Man.

There were pictures on his mantle. They were of monsters both alive and dead. The Professor of Monsters had led a very curious life. Most people kept a carefully curated gallery of grandchildren and relatives, the memories that shaped their lives, the Professor had these memories of Monsters and nothing else.

I have a disease, the Professor of Monsters said. I contracted it when I was about your age in Haiti fighting zombies. If I come back, he said, as a zombie or as a mummy, you must put me down. Do not hesitate. I have lived long enough. I am ready to rest in peace.

I told him that I would not hesitate.