Professions – Comfort #78

Posted on October 23, 2011


Lately, I have been stealing strands of hair. I decided to become an evil scientist with a specialization in genetics. Just yesterday I got caught stealing hair from my neighbor.

What the hell are you doing, she said.

I need this hair, I said. I waved it so that she could see the blond strand. I’m learning do it yourself genetics, I said. Decades from now I will have the equipment to clone you.

That’s creepy, she said. She was watering her lawn. I had crept up and stole the hair from her shoulder. I didn’t see anything creepy about that.

I plan on recreating you from scratch, I said. You seem like a good gardener. I will need one of those. I want to go organic in my older age.

I want you to give my hair back, she said. I could see that she was mildly alarmed. This was great for my ego. It made me feel like I could possibly succeed at science.

No, I said. I will need this. I may even make a version of you to take as a wife. You seem pretty fit.

WHAT, she screamed. Give that back NOW. She reached out with one hand to take it from me, clumsy spraying both of us with her water-hose.

No, I said. I stepped back and laughed. I had been practicing an evil laugh. It wasn’t very effective yet, but I thought perhaps it would grow deeper and more sinister with practice.

HENRY, she screamed. Henry appeared from the backyard. He was built like a forester. Like maybe he could juggle chainsaws.  This creep has my hair, she screamed. Get him!

I don’t like to get into fights where my blood is on the line. Here, here, I said. Just take it. I’m sorry! I dropped her hair and fled across the street. There were plenty of heads of hair out there, plenty of fish in the sea.  There was also the strong possibility that I would be more into linguistics or anthropology by Monday.

Posted in: Year 1: Comfort