Pinatas – Comfort #426

Posted on October 17, 2011


A few months ago I purchased an army of evil stuffed animals on E-Bay. I was mostly lonely, but I also thought it would be fun to manage an army for a little while. Unfortunately they are never happy unless they are asking me to play favorites. But really, one will say. Who is your favorite?

I love you all the same, I say. You are all fluffy and evil and effective at what you do.

Bullshit, one says. She is eight inches tall. A bunny rabbit with some stuffing sticking out of her neck. Some of us are better than others, she says. Tell us who you love the most.

This is the curse of having an army of evil stuffed animals. They maim and destroy all over the neighborhood. Keep them busy and they are fine. In their downtime, however, they are existential and needy.

I don’t have a favorite, I tell them.

There is an uproar. A few of them brandish sharp objects or bricks or shovels. For a moment I think they look like an angry, unpaid construction crew.

Tell us, they say. It’s me. Right? Me! No, ME!!

When they fall asleep tonight I will douse the entire place with gasoline, collect the insurance money, and move to Mexico. There they have pinatas which are much less needy and have a shorter lifespan. They also are filled with candy. Evil stuffed animals are only filled with murder and ego.

Posted in: Year 1: Comfort