The Cannibal Gloats – Comfort #003

Posted on September 30, 2011

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I wanted to get healthy so I thought I would become a vegetarian. My personal chef had some suggestions. You need some meat, she said. If you don’t eat meat, you get a little crazy. So she said I could be vegetarian but that she would cook everything with bacon. How does that work, I said. She explained that as long as the pigs ate tons of veggies it was basically the same thing. I didn’t argue. My chef makes great dishes. She is expensive and sometimes talks to herself with a manly voice which she refers to as her inner man child, but I can live with that. I can live with almost anything as long as it is wrapped in bacon. I can feel myself getting healthier already. Another plus is that I can scoff at meat eaters and ask them what is wrong with them. I say, you guys are ruining the world and your cholesterol is high. I think next month I will get energy efficiency light bulbs. Then I can gloat like a mad pig at those who are not being green. I have to be careful that someone doesn’t recognize me as a mad pig and see me eating bacon and declare that I am a cannibal. That would be embarrassing and then I would lose the moral high ground. 

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Posted in: Year 1: Comfort