Staple Your Head to Your Neck – Advice #555

Posted on July 26, 2011

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On the way home I lost a sandal. I don’t know how it happened. I assume that some crafty thief stole the sandal from me as I was walking, like Cary Grant in To Catch a Thief.  This would be an attempt at not accepting responsibility, however, and I am trying to be more honest with myself. I am always losing things. I lost my pinky finger last night at the billiard hall. Someone found it in a corner pocket and I glued it back on. Sometimes I lose a lot of money, usually at bars or in public libraries around the computer stations.  I lost my self respect at the age of 16 during a brief dungeons and dragons phase that lasted the rest of high school, even though no one who actually played dungeons and dragons would have anything to do with me. In the last month I recently lost a girlfriend, who I thought was a keeper but was misplaced at the mall, somewhere near the food court. If you see her please draw a map back to my place for her. I would have assumed she already consulted Google or a GPS, but I guess not because she isn’t here. She is still lost. I don’t know how I lost my single sandal but it’s out there somewhere, lonely and trembling, left behind to be found by some stray animal and chewed upon. I would lose my head but my mother and father were smart ones and they stapled it to my neck and wrote my address and phone number and name on the back side in size 34 Helvetica font. I wager that this is why I get so many prank calls and bags of dog shit on my front porch. I am the loser, the one who loses things consistently and without pause, which is why loser is painted on the door.

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Posted in: Year 1: Advice