The Disturbing Thing About Oreos – Paranoia #392

Posted on July 25, 2011

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Because I haven’t had an appetite lately, my friends and family have been leaving food around my apartment. The weird thing is that they are only leaving cookies. The thing that is disturbing me is the messages they leave on the cookies, which could be considered derogatory. Yesterday there was a bag of Oreos on my kitchen sink. On the bag of Oreos was a message that read, Eat Me.

I’m also concerned with how they are gaining access to my apartment. It’s weird and I don’t like weird things. I have three locks and a two year old tiger. The tiger is always hungry because I keep no food in the house, so no one should be able to get in and out without me finding them half eaten. I’m really afraid my tiger is going to get to the cookies that my friends and family are leaving behind and get food poisoning and die. Then I’m going to have to explain to someone why I’m burying a dead tiger in the park. ¬†Burying dead things also makes me hungry, and then I’ll be forced to eat whatever cookies the tiger did not eat and get fat and lazy and probably sit on the couch watching Netflix.

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Posted in: Year 1: Paranoia