Collecting Dolls at Someone Else’s House – Advice #700

Posted on June 20, 2011


I was charging $60,000 to exterminate this guy’s house.

The guy says to me, how the hell are you charging me $60,000 dollars?

I say, have you ever exterminated pests like these before?

No, he says, that’s what I pay an exterminator for.

That is why I’m charging you $60,000, I say.

You aren’t even using chemicals, the guy says. You’re using — I don’t know — what is that?

Matches, I say. I’m using matches.

That seems dangerous, the guy says.

It is, I say. That’s how I kill them. Matches are dangerous.

I follow this guy into his house to show him what a good job I’ve done. There are half burnt dolls littering the floors, torsos melted and heads missing.

What the HELL is this, the guy says. What is that frightening SMELL?

Burnt dolls, I say. I’m proud to tell you they are all dead. But they do smell frightening.

Why didn’t you use a cage, he says. I told you to catch them and let them out into the woods. My daughters are going to see this! It’s like a Toys R Us massacre in the Barbie isle!!

You said you wanted an extermination, I say.

Jesus, he says. You are a whack job.

Yes, I say. That’s what the order form says. One whack job on a population of dolls.

He says, NO! You are a whack job. A nut. A psychotic!

To prove him wrong I pull a handful of doll heads out of my pocket and hang them high in the air. Do you want these, I say.

He says, why the hell did you take the heads?

Seemed dramatic to leave them, I say. I didn’t want to have melted faces all over your house. Seemed excessive. I was thinking of your little girls.

I’m not paying you for this, the guy says. Your price is way off, he says.

We are negotiating now.

Listen, I say. I shake the heads threateningly at him. I say, have you ever killed anything before? Have you ever exterminated?

No, he says. I haven’t.

So you don’t know what it is like, I say. I chased those dolls all over this house. They screamed like banshees. I had to hold one after the other down and light em up and pop their little pretty heads off.

That sounds terrible, he says.

I say, I agree. But I am willing to do $55,000 if I get to take the heads.

Alright, he says. Deal.

And in this manner I collected new heads to replace the ones on the dolls that lived with me.