How to Terrorize Politely – Advice #333

Posted on May 17, 2011


When the monster goes hunting he wears a finely pressed suit. He knocks politely on the front door. When interviewed by the press he always says, where would we be if not without manners? He forces his way into the house and rounds up the family. He accidentally bumps a vase and it breaks and he is so embarrassed that he asks for a broom and sweeps up the mess. In this particular house he poses in front of a painting, a nice painting of a forest. This makes him feel at home. Monsters love the wilderness. The painting makes him feel like howling. After he howls for thirty minutes he is thirsty. Howling is thirsty work and he wants a beer. The family brings him a beer. The problem with being a monster is the large teeth, which make drinking from cans difficult. He asks for a straw. He is given a straw along with a: please just let us go. The monster downs the beer. He tells the worried family that they should calm down. It’s better for them if he gets drunk first. I am a much more gentle creature drunk, he says. He scoops up the youngest child and tosses her into the air, catching her with a deep snarl. Usually he would giggle, but his back is sore and the kid weighs more than he imagined. The family is not impressed. May I have another beer, he says. He notices some dust on the mantle and cleans it with his thumb.