The Amusement of Grass – Comfort #311

Posted on May 14, 2011

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He is fond of a tree that has grown in his backyard, but it has become inconvenient in some way or another and he needs to have it removed. He is horrified to have it cut down because it is a living creature, and since it has no central nervous system he fears whatever remains will have a long winded death. How can he ethically remove this tree that is so inconvenient? A friend suggests that he bury it so that it may decompose and while this is attractive, in a reincarnation sort of way, it does not solve the central problem of a long death. His neighbor tells him to stop being a pansy, that it is just a tree. Trees don’t feel pain, says his neighbor. His wife tells him to make up his mind, that she hates how the tree has killed the grass over last few years.

He decides on an ethical method to remove this terribly innocent tree. He sneaks out in the middle of the night with a can of kerosene. He pours it all over the tree and he says, I’m sorry, Tree. And he says, I really enjoyed you, despite what you may think of me now. He lights the fuel and it burns more quickly than he believed it would. By the time the fire trucks arrive the neighbors are all awake staring at this bright blaze next door. His wife is screaming, asking what is wrong with him, and he is screaming back that she doesn’t understand ethics.

The grass watches with amusement. Grass hates trees and the death of a giant is a cause for celebration.

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