She Thinks He is Pregnant Again – Paranoia #142E

Posted on May 11, 2011

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He is on the living room floor, somewhere beneath the coffee table. Oh, he says. Oh god, I’m dying, baby. This is the big one.

You’re not dying, she says. However, she says, we do need a good excuse not to go to your parents this weekend. Got anything else?

Oh, he says. My head is killing me. I’ve got another migraine. Baby? Baby, I need you to do something for me. Something really important.

What, she says.

I need you to take my wallet, he says.

Absolutely, she says. So about your parents.

I need you to go get me an apple pie, he says.

We need a reason not to go to your parents, she says.

I need you to go get me cookies and cream ice cream, he says.

I am not getting you cookies and cream ice cream, she says. You have some in the freezer already. And that won’t help your migraine.

I’ve already dug out the cookies from that one, he says. It’s old and gross and I need pie and fresh ice cream. It’s all I want in the world.

She says, fine. I’ll go, but you need to come up with a convincing lie for this weekend.

He remains under the coffee table, groaning and then says: Can you also get me pickles?

She stops and looks down at him. For a moment she thinks he is pregnant again. The last few children have not survived the pregnancies, but she can’t blame them, he is a difficult man. He is clutching his stomach and she is not sure if it is pregnancy this time or worms.

No, she says. I will not get you pickles.

Ooooohh, he says. I would very much like some pickles.

If you are pregnant, she says, it is not mine.

If I am pregnant, he says, I will need those pickles.

We are going to stop sleeping in the same bed, she says.

Ooooh, he says. Please hurry.

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Posted in: Year 1: Paranoia