Special Days – Advice #164

Posted on May 8, 2011


Everyone starts off with one special day. These days are called birthdays. They remain special until the fear of mortality sinks in. At this point, birthdays become “just another day” or an excellent reason for a mid life crisis that occurs year after year after year.

You receive one additional special day if you become a secretary or get elected President of the United States.

If you win the Olympics you do not get a special day, but you do receive a medal and the paranoid looks that people give as they wonder if you might be a robot in disguise.

If you happen to be a woman, and you have a significant other, you get a day called Valentine’s Day. If you do not get a present on this day, you get to torture your lover. This can be more special than getting a present.

The criminally insane, the writers, and the cows do not get additional special days under any circumstances. Unless they get elected president, or maybe vice-president.

Other special days may be received if you are a rabbit or a chicken (Easter), if you happen to be a top quality horse or a bourbon fan (Derby Day), or if you happen to be a fir pine (Christmas day).

You automatically lose all of your special days, even birthdays (even if you like them), if you are a monster or a stray dog or you commit genocide or if you open letters that are not addressed to you. Instead of having special days you get thrown into prison and since there are no candles, what can you do?

Perhaps the most challenging method of obtaining a special day is to be a woman. Follow these steps:

  1. Find a potent man and get knocked up. This could be fun, but it’s most likely just tough work.
  2. Take care of this new being growing inside of you who may kind of seem like a parasite. Try to never refer to it this way.
  3. Eat a lot of food. Tons. Grow fifty pounds. Guilt free.
  4. After 40 weeks, squeeze the baby out and a doctor trained at catching objects propelled at a great velocity will catch it and give it to you and say, congrats, you are a mother.

If this happens, you get Mother’s day, diapers, and a black belt in karate. Whether this turns into a special day or not will rely on luck and genetics and the cost of flowers in the month of May.

Posted in: Year 1: Advice