The Young Man’s Guide to Catch Up – Advice #656

Posted on May 4, 2011


When you are twenty eight years old, you are really forty. Everyone will still tell you to act older, to stop being so young. You want to be responsible, so you will try to catch up.You will purchase the shoes of  a sixty year old, a pair of loafers with decorative buckles. Tomorrow, you will begin to walk in these shoes, complaining about sore feet and a painful back.

You will need to have your best friend knock your teeth out and then order a pair of dentures and scare small children by leaving them in inappropriate places, like inside the refrigerator. You will stop chasing women altogether, as it is not respectable at your age. Instead, you will get married as quickly as possible, poison her, and become a widower. The difficult part will be giving up the whiskey, which would help during such a difficult loss. You will say that you have seven grandchildren, and then to be convincing, you will always call them by the wrong names. For fun, you can sit and watch your empty 401k account, which has never had the proper time to mature, unlike yourself. Your hair — well that will need to be shaved off. Baldness is distinguished for a man of your age.

You will wear cardigans and talk about the good old days, back in the ancient 1980’s, at some gentlemen’s club. The men who listen to these stories will be one hundred and twenty years old, but they have been told to be responsible citizens, to stop complaining about their age and be more useful. They will be dressed in the clothes and manners of a thirty year old.You will say to them, you young men. You strapping young men. Why are you here sharing stories with me, when you could be out chasing women and fighting and drinking the whiskey and courageously chasing meaninglessness?

Posted in: Year 1: Advice