Decision Science – Curse #2727

Posted on May 1, 2011


My new job was to sit in an office, in front of a camera. There was this monitor and from the monitor I could see these people in a dark, crowded room. These people could see my face, too. I was being projected on a giant screen. My job was to speak into the camera and tell the people what they should be doing.

I started at the most logical place. Everyone drink, I said. There were barrels of whiskey rolled into the room and people began to drink.

I began to experiment and yelled, put your hands in the air. They all put their hands in the air. Some of the slower drinkers and less coordinated people spilled quite a lot of whiskey.

To test the limits of my power I said, fall in love. As if I had a magical voice, scores of people fell in love with the persons next to them. I am still concerned that this may have led to many babies and many more marriages and domestic partnerships over the next year.

I was really getting into it at this point and screamed, are you having a good time?

There was silence. I had forgot to tell them whether or not they were having a good time. It was all up to me. While they were in this room, they were mine.

Yes, I said. Yes you are having a good time. Now scream it!

We love this, they said. We are having a good time!!!

Am I not awesome, I said.

There was silence. Yes I am awesome, I said. Now scream it!

You are fabulous, they screamed. We like you!

I said: Okay, now put your hands down. You look silly. Feel awkward about it for a moment, but then feel confident again. Reach over and grab the person you’ve fallen in love with. Ask them what their name is, because you’ll need to know it in the morning. Alright, now dance! Dance now, DANCE.

And of course they obeyed. Around 4am I finally told them that they were tired of being here and that they should leave and enjoy the rest of their life. They needed to be strong, I said. I said, use your free will. Don’t be afraid of it.

Strangely enough, this job was incredibly stressful. I worked one night and then quit. It was difficult enough to determine how I was feeling each morning, whether I wanted an Americano or a regular coffee for breakfast.  I had a history of sitting in my recliner, not sure if I really needed to go to the bathroom or not, unable to decide how I felt about the most mundane tasks.