Fifteen Toes – Curse #536

Posted on April 13, 2011


There are fifteen toes in my apartment and five of them do not belong to me.  I woke up one morning to find them in my bed. The only thing I can figure is that they must have followed me home from the bars.

The presence of these toes cause great anxiety. For example, I do not know where these particular toes have been, and yet now they are lying on my expensive couch.  Another problem I have is that the toes smoke. When the toes go outside for their cigarette, because I do not know where they have been and because they smell like smoke, I spray the couch down with Lysol.

The toes never speak, so I cannot be sure that they aren’t in trouble and just hiding out in my apartment. All day the toes spend their time watching BBC and the History Channel. I have canceled the cable three times, thinking maybe this would cause the toes to leave, but the toes always manage to reorder the service.

Things are beginning to get stressful between me and the toes. They never wash the dishes and they never go home, if they have a home. They play loud techno music at 2am in the morning and leave the lid down on the commode.  I have asked many times, in a polite way, when they plan on leaving. I have rephrased the question and asked them if they could give me just a day or two alone. But the toes are clever. They know I would simply change the locks and never let them back in.

Sometimes my friends will come over and the toes will not like this and they will give me the silent treatment for days. What is worse is that since the toes do not speak, I never pick up on the silent treatment until more subtle hints of anger are displayed, such as when I wake up and the toes are watching me sleep or if the toes eat the last raspberry Popsicle.

Because the relationship has been so stressful, I have decided to buy a mason jar and to trap the toes as they sleep. We are going to drive to the beach and we are going to sit on the shore and watch the sun rise and it will be very romantic. We’ll talk for a little while. I will talk anyway. I’ll say, thank you for spending time with me, I didn’t quite enjoy it, but I’m going to miss you a little. I’ll laugh softly and bring up some funny thing the toes did one time. I’ll say, isn’t the sunrise beautiful and then I’ll say, goodbye toes. Then I will toss the jar into the sea and those strange toes will float to some emerging county where toes are in high demand.

Posted in: Limbs, Year 1: Curse