How to Make an Investment – Advice #9872W

Posted on March 26, 2011


When you are young, keep your soul very clean. Take it out every night and use a toothbrush and Lysol. Scrub, Scrub, Scrub.  If your soul has hair, wash and dry it. Put it in a bun. Make sure you clip your soul’s nails. Do not forget baby powder.

Stay away from cookies and liquor and lovers. If you find yourself in a situation in which another’s eyes are looking into your own, hungry or perhaps famished, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and then flee madly.

If you find a wallet on the sidewalk or you see an old woman who needs to cross the street or you want so badly to throw a shoe at those cats that sing opera in the alley, think carefully about how this impacts your investment.  If you find yourself about to scream in a crowded bus, a million inhibited desires rushing from your chest to throat, take up swimming. There is no sin in screaming under water, only bubbles.

When your soul has matured and you are much older, take your soul out and put it in an attractive box. Take it to the nearest pawn shop, one that is run by a devilish man, and sell it for full value. This will require some negotiation, but should not be difficult as mature, clean souls are in short supply.