Letter to Management – Paranoia #9998

Posted on February 28, 2011


Dear Supervisor of Love Management,

I am writing to inform you of a truly disturbing phenomenon occurring that requires your immediate attention. I do not have any way to describe this problem except to blatantly say that my friends have begun to merge. Frequently they are merging with strangers, though sometimes with each other. I think it may be a biological impulse that is uncontrollable. Just the other day Lilly and Sebastian merged in my living room. I was quite surprised and threw up more than once. I asked them if they were okay and they said that they felt a little funny but overall good about the whole ordeal. I don’t buy it.

This is problematic for me, as you must imagine. I consider Lilly an okay gal, but Sebastian is a dear friend. Now I can not grab a beer with Sebastian without Lilly being there. We cannot comment on the women at the bar, because Lilly/Sebastian reaches over with their right arm and smacks their face.  Now that they have merged they cannot drink very much and end up going home early. It’s a mess, and I’m angry with your gross mismanagement of this issue. How could you let this happen?

Another question: when the hell is this going to occur with me? I can’t imagine sharing one body, one mind, always in the presence of another in some merged shell. I’m scared that some freaky girl already has her sights on me, and soon she will be propelled to seek me out and hold me down until our bodies melt together.

Do not get me wrong. I like symmetry. It is appealing. But this is a problem. I request that you please do something to stop this. Grab a hose and water them down. Get a chisel and a hammer and break them apart. Call the CDC and inform them of an impending crisis. Get me into some sort of protection program. Firebomb the whole place, I don’t know, just do something and quickly.



(Photo of an X-ray at COSI in Columbus, OH)