Misdirection – Paranoia #76

Posted on February 27, 2011


His girlfriend loves him, but she wants to see him whimper and to think that without her he would be lost.  For example, he knows that she can name where any item he owns is at any given moment. He knows this because she has been moving all of his things from where he places them, an attempt to make him reliant on her.

He will put his shoes by the door and in the morning they will be on the bookshelf, hidden behind some books. What is wrong, she will ask him. You left them there just yesterday, she will say.

Right when he was getting use to finding his stuff in strange places, she drew a new strategy.  She must have found the dwarves out back, in the woods behind their house. She hired them, two little men from the forest, and all three of them would walk around the house, putting his wallet in the freezer, taking his hair clippers and hiding them in her underwear drawer.

He began to put important things on the top shelf of a cabinet in the attic. He kept only a few small things there, where the dwarves could not reach and where she would not venture for fear of attic spiders. He kept a couple old love notes, a vial of her hair so he could one day clone her if she got too old and wrinkly, and a book of magic tricks, with which he planned to find a way to roast the dwarves with some fireball or perhaps a flamethrower or just a simple match. They were getting in the way of his “alone” time with her.

If one day she were to find these items she would say, you have old love notes? And he would respond, I dont know what I have, I have a big pile of shit and you hide it.