Office Decoration – Comfort #575I

Posted on February 13, 2011


I have terrible eye sight so for a long time I thought that my ex-wife was a woman, but soon after we were married I realized she was an elephant.  And not just any elephant, but a monstrous amalgam of trunk and sass. At first our marriage was nice, but after the honeymoon (which mostly entailed a three ring circus she insisted we visit), she slowly shed her disguise and this terrible monster emerged.

The first sign was the peanuts, which she couldn’t stop eating. There were shells everywhere and I thought it was just a phase or a nervous habit, but no. She just loved peanuts. Then there were the mice traps. In our bed, under the sink, in my shoes.  Soon after that we had broken furniture lying around the house, and then she became abusive. I can’t tell you what it feels like, having your wife throw you around the house. When things became really dangerous, and her words were replaced with loud elephant noises, I realized she would never be the sweet woman I mistook her for, and that her presence was probably in violation of zoning ordinances. I went next door to the neighbor’s house and borrowed their elephant rifle. I put her down quickly, one shot to the heart, poetic and messy.

I had her head mounted and hung in my office. Now my co-workers are whispering terrible things about me, asking how I could decorate with the corpse of such a majestic creature. They think I killed an animal on safari. They’ve never seen the pictures on my desk, pictures of myself and my ex-wife smiling on vacation, under a sunset, at a peanut factory, before the marriage went downhill.