How to Solve an Oil Leak – Advice #920

Posted on June 4, 2010


We need 30000 volunteers to dress up like aqua man. We’re heading to the coast, boys. The gulf coast. We’re going to tell people that we have spoken with the fish.  They want us to let everyone know that this whole situation is not okay — that we have pissed the fish off with our oil addiction and had better fix things before they get out of hand.

We’ll say this in fish-ese, with puckered cheeks and a sound similar to what Flipper makes when he sees a pretty girl. What sound is that? A dolphin sound? Isn’t that just a whistle? Not in this case. Since we’re aqua man we need to say it deep and gruff, so we’ll mix the two sounds together and it will sound like jazz music mixed with equal parts speed.

We will of course encounter some silly person that asks a dumb question. They may say something like, “Well what do the jellyfish think?” And we will say, “Fool. Don’t be ridiculous. Jellyfish can’t talk. They have no mouths. Go clean some tar balls off the beach.”

A lot of people probably won’t listen to us. We’ll look a little crazy in the whole aqua man get-up. To get everyone’s attention we’ll have to sacrifice one of our 30000 aqua men. We’ll make it a quick and clean death. It will be a true honor, let me tell you. We’ll leave the body on the beach for some hippies to find and when they do, oh BOY! There will be pictures all over the papers of crying children mourning the death of a beloved super hero.  We’ll have a coroner’s report doctored up nice and tight. Cause of death? Oil consumption.

BP will be so screwed, they’ll be forced to fix the situation. And that’s how you solve the oil leak.