Pumpkins want to get you when you sleep – Paranoia #9T

Posted on May 18, 2010


Many of the less observant fail to notice the watchful gaze of pumpkins. They sneak up around the end of August or November. I’m not sure if it’s an evolutionary survival of the fittest mechanism, or through propaganda and the vast conspiracy of Halloween, but the little buggers trick us into creating their mouths, eyes, noses. From front porches and windows they watch our every move… they chatter in the evenings amongst one another. In the midnight hour they steal beers from the fridge and get ripped. They stumble into our bedrooms and take voyeuristic pictures of people sleeping and post them on the net. They also leave the lid on the toilet up so your girlfriend falls in when she needs to pee at 3am.

The only enjoyment that comes from pumpkins is the torture we can inflict upon them. This year I left a few outside. I chained them down and read them Things Fall Apart and the Legend of Sleepy Hollow. I used them as ashtrays and I took pictures of THEM and asked them how THEY liked being put up on the internet without having their good side showing or at least having signed a waiver.

It took some time, and there was a lot of noise. My neighbor even complained about it, the banging, the weeping, the other sounds that accompany the suffering of pumpkins. Just some birds, I would tell him. I didn’t need the police coming around and my neighbor wouldn’t understand how ill intentioned pumpkins really are, how they want to get in your house and eat left overs and mess up your ironed clothes or feed your dogs chocolate. He wouldn’t understand how much I love my beer or that I have an online reputation to protect. After all, I don’t want pictures of me drooling in my sleep plastered all over the Flickr.

Suffer the pumpkins, I say. They’re foul little people and if nothing else taste great as pie.