How to reform an avid drinker – Advice #4352CE

Posted on May 6, 2010


Staple the dollars to the bar, ceiling, and register. Six feet tall and muscular beyond belief, the robber will come. Her name will be Hermana and she will be so drunk she will try to steal a bill while you are not looking. Hermana has very bad peripheral vision, and won’t see the side mirrors you installed last year to check out the shapes and forms of various patrons.

Take this opportunity and taser the hell out of her.

Hermana will lie motionless on the floor. The whole scene will startle patrons and they will make gasping sounds, spill their drinks, and cover their mouths with their hands.

You will need to get them to sign non-disclosure agreements.

Get the kitchen staff (kitchen staff in a bar? what? people eat bar food? what?) to help you carry her to the basement — the place where you keep clowns and feathers and a version of ‘Mary had a little lamb’ playing at 300% speed.

They will torture Hermana for days.  When she is released Hermana will never want to go into another bar again.

She never knows what will be in the next dive. Someday, twenty years later, Hermana will quietly warn her children about the danger of bars and drinking.

Posted in: Year 1: Advice